Full circle... My confession

I am sitting here. Again, in the dim light of an afternoon, while my now two and a half year old son is sleeping in the next room. Normally I love the light. The more natural lighting, the better. But ever since my son was born, many of my most peaceful and quiet moments have taken place in darkness, so he can sleep peacefully, and as early as possible. The latter of course is for both his benefit and mine. Sleep breeds sleep, so "they" say, and it is so important for the development of busy young brains that are learning about everything in the world around them. For parents, sleeping children also offer succor and relief that is much needed.

The physical need to write comes to me as I awaken to find that my landscape has changed dramatically. Places have changed, players have been added, and roles of some players have altered. Truths about myself have come to light, some good and some not so good. I don't know what I need to say, but I need to write. I need to be heard. It is important for me that my voice makes a difference. We all have something to offer, something to say, something to do, whether it is big or small. And as always, I find that for me, I struggle in the real world sometimes. I don't always know what to say or how or when to say the thing I don't know how to express. Words don't come out when I speak; at least not the right ones. I have been foolish and selfish and rude. And sometimes in trying to do good I have done evil. I have said hurtful things to people I said I loved.

One good thing has come out of all of these changes. After making mistakes and losing things that mattered to me, I realize that I have nothing to lose. Well, everything to lose and nothing to lose... we cannot go back, we can only go forward. The only value is in moving forward. Taking lessons from history and moving ahead.  Now, finally, I am not afraid. I understand that I only have one life to live. And I am not going to be afraid of saying what I think, or doing what I believe is right, or loving who I love.


(In that spirit, I have put a picture of a painting from one of the recent apartments I've lived in. My son thinks that it is a painting of "mommy." I feel very flattered. Sweet little man).